1. You like things in real life
Needing to interrupt a friend’s story to shout “LIKE!” and giving a thumbs up is a sure sign you’ve sold your soul and have turned into a Facebook addict. It’s never cool. Ever. Even when you’re being ironic. Don’t go there, guy.
2. You’ve changed your timeline to Sort By: Most Recent
That way, you don’t miss that freshly uploaded album of your teenage cousin called “sELFies” that she took in front of the bathroom mirror. Or heaven forbid you don’t like and share that picture of a man about to jump off of his garage roof and don’t get to see what happens next! The world will surely end…
3. You Facebook from inappropriate places.
If it gets to the point where you can’t use the lavatory without checking your phone and you lie awake at night Facebooking instead of sleeping – you’ve got a problem.
4. “There was this one time on Facebook…”
Yes folks, quoting so-called Facebook anecdotes to people you’re in the actual company of is completely sad. Unless you came up with a solution to world hunger or invented a time machine via a Facebook comments session, they aren’t really interested.
5. “OMW I can’t wait to put this on Facebook!”
Your kid is being attacked by a zoo animal? You’re at a rock concert? You’re in labour? Well then best you put that shizzle on Facebook! Here’s a better idea: live in the moment and worry about telling your Facebook friends about afterwards.
6. Facebook is your homepage
You’ve given up the fight. You’ve acknowledged your addiction. You’ve let it take over your soul. But it’s cool – that’s why we have tabs, right? So we can do other things AS WELL as Facebook. Keep telling yourself that, kid.
7. My name is Bob and I’m a Facebook stalker
You know you’re a Facebook stalker when you visit someone’s profile at least once a day, yet you can count on one hand the amount of times you’ve met them. You like every single photo, status update, and comment they make. Because we all know that is the sure fire way to make her yours. Don’t be that guy, bro.
8. You change your profile picture more often than a 12 year old girl
If you’re an aspiring model, make an album. If you’re somewhere fun, upload a wall photo. There is no excuse for profile pictures that change more often than the SABC board.
9. You’re addicted to collecting Likes
Let’s just take a moment…step away from our screens…breathe in…breathe out…and really ask ourselves if liking that little girl’s photo so her Dad will buy her a puppy is really what social networking is all about. Is it? Is it really?
10. You put way too much effort into changing your profile picture
When you feel the need to Photoshop yourself into a picture of Lady Gaga so it looks like you’re totes BFF’s for life, you may need to re-evaluate your priorities as a productive member of society.
11. You start to lose touch with reality
If you cannot remember your first born’s name, but you can remember to water your Farmville crops, you have a problem. If you start to call a spoon a Tool for the Upliftment of Nourishment and you can’t tell the difference between Justin Bieber and a girl in a wig, you have a problem.
12. You treat it like a diary
It may seem absolutely thrilling to you that you went to gym, ate jam on toast for breakfast, and then got stuck in traffic on your way to work, but I can assure you, we don’t want to hear about it. No update is better than a lame update.
13. You jump on Facebook bandwagons
Guys. Guys, guys, guys. Just because people post it doesn’t mean it’s true. No website takes into account your your own personal wall posts when amending their policies. This is a hoax, and always will be. I repeat: this is a hoax and always will be.
14. “Inbox me” is an integral part of your conversational vocabulary
What did your email inbox ever do to you? Since when is sending someone a Facebook message the preferred method of communication? Stop it. Stop it immediately.
15. You lose your ability to do good Englishness
For some reason, when a person is on Facebook for an extended period of time, they completely lose their ability to spell and follow the basic rules of English. If you are using “your” instead of “you’re” and “their” instead of “they’re, it’s not only time to log off, but also time to check yourself into grammar rehab. Admitting you have a problem is the first step on the road to recovery.
16. You make social plans by hijacking other people’s statuses
Not only is it annoying for the person whose status you’re spamming, but nobody cares. Really. Pick up the phone and call them, and nobody gets hurt.
7. You think it’s a dating site
If she won’t talk to you in real life, chances are she won’t talk to you on Facebook. Do not make this fatal mistake. Sending her pictures of yourself, introducing yourself via Facebook message as “the guy who sits behind you in chemistry class that you said smells weird that one time” will not work. Yes people meet on the internet. But you have been warned. You will get yourself blocked.
18. You think it’s a job site
So you hate your job. So you want a new one. That’s great, buddy. But moaning about your current job will just give you bigger problems, so don’t do that. Like ever. Don’t get yourself fired because you felt the need to rant about your boss’ ample rear end on Facebook. And the amount of “Hey guys, seriously needz 2 find me a new j0b! Can’t take this place #lolz – let me know if u got sumthin for meee xxx” posts that have actually led to employment you can probably count on one hand.
19. You like your own updates
The height of narcissism. I hope you cringed very intensely at the thought of liking your own updates on Facebook. And if you didn’t, well then you’re a bona fide addict. It’s official.
20. You’ve checked Facebook since you started reading this
You couldn’t even read one lousy article without checking your phone? Tut tut. Off to rehab for you!